Thanks for the warning

So, reading about 5 pregnancy books before getting pregnant (what can I say, I'm married to an Eagle Scout & wanted to be prepared), I thought I had a pretty good idea of what to expect...but there are a lot of things that they either forgot to mention or assumed I would understand came with the territory.
1. Peeing on my hands. There is a sick joke they like to play at the doctor's appointments (which are every 2 weeks now) of making me pee in a cup. Have you ever peed in a dixie cup when you can't see over your belly? I don't recommend it, unless you want to give yourself a golden shower. So, just to be on the safe side, don't shake my hand the next time you see me.
2. Sleeping is hard. This one was the most devastating as sleeping and napping are my most favorite pastimes. Now, I can't seem to get comfortable and I toss and turn all until I wake up to pee. Only to repeat the cycle about 3 times every night. Even papa Rob's sleeping is suffering, since I have taken up a new habit of grunting like a pig in my sleep. Personally, I think it's my subconscious getting back at him for the last 4 years of listening to him snore (which he insists he doesn't do).
3. I'm swole. I now resemble a chocolate version of Violet Beauregarde. I had to give up wearing my beautiful engagement & wedding rings because my fingers have swollen up so bad, I thought I was going to have to call the fire department to cut them off the last time I tried to take them off. And you know you're really swollen when Uggs are cutting off the circulation in your cankles.
4. Not being able to eat. I've seen the movies, I thought pregnant women were ravenous. I'm calling bullshit, because even if I am a little hungry, I've now got a stomach capacity that will hold a tic tac (but only if I haven't had anything to drink in the last 4 hours). Where was this when I was dieting, because I could have really used it to my advantage.
5. Trouble wearing my contacts. I'm not sure why, but apparently pregnancy means your vision gets worse & your eyes dry out to the point that halfway through the day, I would dig out my own eyeballs just to get my contacts out. So it's not enough that I'm fat, swollen, have bags under my eyes, but I have to wear my dorky ass glasses too? Thanks a lot Mother Nature.
6. My arms shrank. I never expected that as my belly got bigger, my arms would get shorter. I need one of those sticks that dwarfs use after I'm done peeing (which aside from sitting, is the task I do the most). While papa Rob is more than willing to put on & take off my shoes, hoist me out of a sitting or lying position, I think this is one task he's not going to offer to assist with.
7. I look like I went a few rounds with Rocky. I've never in my life had a nosebleed. Now, I spend most of my day with bloody tissues hanging out of my nose. I've contemplated telling people that Rob beats me, but I think they know that since I now outweigh him, that probably isn't the case. I look like a nutjob though and as a result, it has reduced the number of people stopping in my office to ask me for stuff, so this may be a perk instead of a problem.

And since I still have 12 weeks to go, I'm sure this list is going to grow exponentially...and I can't even fathom the labor & delivery edition...