I made it

You may remember our breastfeeding struggles early on; our hope was Anneliese would "outgrow" her high palate but she either never did, or once she did, she was too accustomed to drinking from a bottle. As a result, "exclusively pumping" became my life.

In the beginning, I pumped every 2 hours during the day, waking every 3 hours at night to pump as well. 8-9 30-minute sessions (yes, at least 4 hours of my day involved pumping). I drank 100+oz of water a day. I swallowed 18 horse-pill size supplements to keep up my supply. I ate oatmeal (which may not sound that bad, but I'm a textural eater & unless it's in a cookie, I really dislike oatmeal). I visited Lacation Consultants, more strangers have seen parts of me that I would have prefered to keep private. I washed 8 bottles + pump parts every day. I've spent hundreds of dollars on lanolin, pump parts, monthly pump rental charges, herbal supplements, a deep freezer, and breastmilk freezer storage bags. I've had too many plugged milk ducts to count. I've dealt with the knee-buckling pain from mastitis twice. I've had to hand express milk in the bathroom stall while out to eat, because I had gone too long between pumping sessions. I've gotten the side-eye from people for bottlefeeding my baby in public.

I hate that I have to plan our day around my pumping schedule. I hate that I have to monitor everything I drink, eat, and medicines I take. I hate that I can't go to bed when Fi does, because I have to stay up to pump. I hate that I have to worry about packing enough breastmilk when we leave the house. I hate that, even though I've been "blessed" with an oversupply, I worry every single day about pumping enough to feed her.

It has taken more determination and dedication than I knew I was capable of, especially considering the Lactation Consultants warned me that most "exclusive pumpers" don't make it past 3 months. So, I took each day one at a time but my long-term goal was always 6 months. It has been one of the hardest things I've ever done, but I've made it!

At this point, having met my goal, you would think I would be ready to back over my pump with my car, set it on fire and then throw it into a lake. But I'm finding it difficult to say good-bye. Deep down, a part of me feels that "mother's guilt," like I failed her in the begining & this is my way of making up for it. Another part of me feels like once I stop giving her breastmilk, she no longer needs me. (Because we all know babies move out of the house & go off to college as soon as you stop breastfeeding, right?) I know a lot of babies thrive just fine on formula, and I'm sure Fi probably wouldn't notice the difference, but I just can't bring myself to make the switch yet.

So, while it would be ideal (according to the WHO & AAP) to keep giving her breastmilk until she is a year old & can make the switch to cow's milk, I'm not making any more long-term goals. For now, I'm just taking it day by day & viewing each one a small victory (& big F-U to the Lactation Consultants that doubted me).