What I've learned while on maternity leave

Black people can't pronounce Maury. Somehow it always comes out "Marrry"
Percentages are no longer taught in schools, since people keep claiming they're "200% sure" he's the baby daddy.
The more sure someone is, the least likely it is that he will in fact be the baby daddy.
There must be a way to cheat the lie detector test, because I refuse to believe that a man is not cheating when his girlfriend finds someone else's panties in their car. Otherwise, who are these skanks going around leaving their underpants in cars?
Apparently men can have sex with transvestite prostitutes and not know (I guess they are not following the Bill Clinton definition of sex, since I can't quite figure this one out.)
If you were in a relationship & "loaned" money to your significant other & then broke up, don't bother suing them (especially in Judge Judy's court because she's a stone-cold biotch) because you won't get it back.
Whoopie Goldburg could stand on her head & she would still have the same 2 dreadlocks positioned evenly over either eyebrow.
Thank you Dr. Phil for these phrases that I have added to my vocabulary: This ain't my first rodeo. Doesn't matter how flat you make a pancake, it's still got 2 sides. How's that working for you? What's your payoff? (papa Rob is not quite as thankful for the new additions)

Oh yeah, I've probably learned some important motherhood stuff too but we'll save that post for another day...